5 ways to let go after divorce becomes a reality | Roland legge
Letting go after a divorce is one of the most difficult things you will do in your life, even if it is done with respect.
You are now divorced and suddenly reality strikes. How to give up the dream marriage you have with your ex?
You come home from work and there is no one to share the ups and downs of the day. You have to do things that your partner used to do and relearn how to do it.
Want to go out for dinner, but who do you ask? Most of your recent friends are people you spent time with as a couple. You will need to take the time to grieve.
Letting go after a divorce takes time and practice.
Your expectation to stay married until death has not come true. Your dream of traveling the world after retirement will not come true as you planned.
How will you celebrate important holidays with your adult children? You will have to wait your turn to see them and the grandchildren.
There are times when you feel lonely. You may even wonder if divorce was the best choice. Often times you prefer the devil you know to the devil you don’t know.
This new life as a single person after divorce is uncomfortable. You are exhausted. You might be wondering what your friends and family think about you.
It’s tempting to stay home rather than facing the unknown of how others will treat you. Even at work, you feel uncomfortable because you notice that people are avoiding you. After all, they don’t know what to say.
Here are 5 ways to let go after divorce has become a reality.
The grieving process will take time. A great way to help you get through the ups and downs is to keep a journal. If you don’t like to write or type, you can create an audio diary using your phone.
You can also find ways to express yourself to help you get through your grief, such as photography, poetry, prose, painting, music, dancing, scrapbooking, and other creative expressions to release your inner pain.
2. Love yourself everyday.
Love yourself by taking care of your body, heart and head. What do you like to do that can help you? What are you ready to try?
Activities such as yoga, taichi, meditation, walking, gardening, hiking, skiing are all useful for anchoring yourself in your body.
Make an effort to eat good food. Occasionally treat yourself to something that brings you joy and hope. Maybe you like the theater, going to museums, strolling in the park or strolling at the beach.
Remember you are worth it.
When you start to feel open to discovering the new chapter in your life, it’s time to rediscover what is essential to you.
What dreams or life goals have you not achieved? What experiences do you want to live? Have you ever wanted to go back to school? Are you satisfied with your current job?
Pick one thing and make it happen.
3. Look at the changes you can make in your life.
What kind of money do you need to make this happen? Is the income from your current job sufficient? How will you share the responsibility of supporting your children with your ex if they are in college or need help buying their first home?
You will need to find civilian ways to communicate with your ex if you still have children or young adults to support. It will be much easier for your children and for both of you if you can be courteous and respectful.
4. Be present.
You can learn to be present by becoming more observant of what is going on within you. Look for guided meditation apps like Insight Timer.
You can also do a simple meditation starting with your feet and notice how you feel as you move up your body.
Every time you exercise, notice what is going on in your body as you exercise. Yoga is a great combination of stretching and breathing.
As you take root, your heart will open, inviting you to connect with old and new friends. You will know when you are on the right track. And it will show you the way to find your goal and be the best you can be so that you can let go of your dreams.
Whenever you find yourself stuck in your past relationship, refocus on what you can do right now. If you start to fear the future, you need to refocus on the present. It is in the present that you can make a change.
You can create a short mantra to say to yourself when you are stuck in the past or the future. It could be something like “I am lovely”, “I am worthy of respect” or “I am a child of God” or whatever works for you.
Focus on these words to calm your mind. You can also use the breath to help you focus on the here and now.
With practice, you will spend more and more time in the present. The more present you are, the more meaning, hope and joy you will experience in life.
You will find your flow, know better what you need, and attract people who will bring out the best in you and you in them.
5. Get help.
If you continue to struggle, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. There is no shame in getting help. You can get help from life coaches, counselors, psychologists or therapists. You can also join support groups.
Whoever you choose, find someone you feel safe with. You have to find the right fit, or it won’t be as effective as it could be.
You will benefit from having friends and family who can support you throughout the trip. They have to be people you can trust, who will keep your trust, hold you accountable for staying on your healing path and loving yourself no matter what.
Healing after divorce doesn’t have to be a lonely journey. Find your community if you don’t have one and start this exciting new chapter in your life.
You will know how to let go so that you can start over.
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Roland Legge is a Certified Identity Life Coach and Pastor of The United Church of Canada in Yorkton, Saskatchewan. You can join his newsletter for free advice and Private Facebook group, “Discover your identity”.
This article originally appeared on REL Consultants. Reprinted with permission from the author.