A totally valid list of reasons why I can’t exercise today
A close second? It’s too early in the day. I mean, I woke up only seven hours ago. You must respect your circadian rhythm. Otherwise, why bother with having a biological clock?
Besides, I worked three weeks ago. This should be called momentum. In any case, all the experts warn against excesses. That’s why I underestimate him. Doing less inevitably prevents doing too much.
If I was exercising today, I would also have to take a shower. It requires a lot of water. I’m just trying to be super sustainable here, people!
It would also help me get in the mood to exercise. Unfortunately, I’m never in the mood to exercise. But you never know. The muse could appear any minute now.
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Also, I already do a lot of what you call incidental exercise, the kind that accumulates as part of normal daily activity. I floss vigorously. I do butterfly curls with my fork while eating. Everything counts.
I also have too many things to do today. I seriously doubt that all those emails in my junk folder will just get deleted. And someone has to watch YouTube videos of babies frolicking with puppies, and vice versa.
And, I’m just too hungry to blast my quads right now. All dieticians warn that you should never do a down dog while craving Nutella. Or when it is full either. Or – my personal policy – anytime between meals or snacks. If you give up unnecessary movements, it facilitates digestion.
And what if I start my fitness routine only to end up being interrupted? Things always come back. Bypassing the exercise ensures that nothing can interrupt it. Already.
If only I belonged to a gym, I would be more motivated to exercise.
Or if I had an expensive personal trainer yelling at me in some inscrutable language.
Or even just a workout buddy who never yelled at me in an impenetrable language.
Or if sweatpants fit me better. Or I could prevent twinges in my body in places I didn’t even know I had places. Or I had the right app to track my measurements down to the decimal point. Or my hair stayed put while my body sweated the old fashioned way. Or the humidity would decrease. Or I knew how to do any type of exercise in the first place. Or I could get exactly the results I envision for myself almost instantly. Or I could maintain realistic expectations about my chances of becoming the next Mr. Olympia.
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If only all of these factors converged – that, my friends, would be a game-changer. The long-awaited new me – chiseled, sculpted, ripped, shredded and pushed to the limit – was finally about to appear in my mirror.
Am I really asking that much? I mean, everyone gets a little out of shape once in a while.
That’s probably just my age, although I’m still well under 100.
Finding all these reasons is exhausting. I better lie down to catch my breath.
Bob Brody, consultant and essayist, is the author of the memoir “Playing Catch With Strangers: A Family Guy (Reluctantly) Comes of Age”.